Mr. 3000!

Five-for-five with a dinger, bitch! New York Yankee Baseball! So what if I'm making $17 million to post a .683 OPS this year? 3000 hits is gritty and makes me the Greatest Yankee of All Time, unlike that fat fuckbag George Herman Babe Didrikson Ruth or that diseased piece of rusty horsehit Lou Gherig or fucking Mickey Mouse or Planet Golf Ball Expot or whatever they called bitchass sourcocks in the 1950s or some shit. 3000 hits. None of those poor, surly faggots could muster that. I AM THE TRU WARIER!

Yo know what fuck that, I am the greatest baseball player because I played the game in New York where the city never says die much like Sean Connery in the remake of Thunderball after he anal-ized Kim Bassinger for the fourth time because she was on her period and fuck that shit. Yeah, I like the sound of Jeterstown, fucking Cooperstown is for some Jackie Robinson breaking the sound barrier bullshit, and I didn't defeat Lenny Wilkins in the slam dunk contest blindfolded just to play second matador to the Los Africans Dodgers, you know wha-


Excuse me sir, but I have to object.


Barry Bonds. You cunting fucking cunt.


Respectfully speaking, of course - by no means do I denigrate the magnitude of your achievement, but exactly 26 people in major league history have more hits than you.


I will fuck your mother sideways I did this shit in New York! None of those other motherfuckers had to Situation their Situation in that Situation!


New York is absolutely a pressure cooker, and I have nothing but the utmost respect for your ability to have an amazing, sure-fire-hall-of-fame-career in the hardest place in the world to play baseball, but come on, Pete Rose has like 1200 more hits than you -


Sumbudy say m'name!?


Fuck off and die you Kennesaw Mountain Landis banned me from baseball Shoeless Joe Jackson ass-plowed motherfucker!


B-b-b-b-b-buh-but-


Don't you need to Charlie-Hustle-off to a fucking WWE match that you're officiating between the Miz and Shamus or whatever the fuck they're calling wrestlers these days, you sorry sack-a shit?


Ooo yer, I'm gonna get me a hundred o dollar and some o dem seasoned taters or whatnot!

Nobody told me bout no muthafuckin cheese fwies! Ima fawnicate yaw fathce wif my fithsts until thum mothafucka bring me thum cheethse fwies to mathsticate on toute thsuite!


See what you did now, Barry Bonds?


I don't see how you can hold me responsible for this. I was merely pointing out that while your accomplishments are no doubt impressive, they are no -

Shockwave destroys everything or something...


Alas! I die!

Haha! Fuck you, you fucking cunt! I'm the baddest!


Now wait just a gahd demmed minute there boy!


Fucking seriously?

Wait, dis ain't Muthafuckin Harlem! What the fuck is I doing here? You ain't Bruce Leroy! I'm the fuck out of here. My contract ain't cover dis shit, blood!


Hah! Nothing can stop me now!

Not so fast!


Check this out!


Dick joke!


HAHAHAHAHA!


Oh no! Michael Bay! Now we got a Situation!


Get ready to be...


Merchandized!


Dick joke!


OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


What is that rumbling!? Looks like we got ourselves a Situation here!


OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


STER-SCREAM (AND THE CLEAR)!!!!!!


Sumbudy say m'name!?


No, but I DID fuck Megan Fox.


OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO