No Shirt Required. Suck it, Phil Collins.
...Party all the time, party all the time, party all the ti-ime!
Hey Flava, how my dick taste?... har har har
Yo, Axel Foley, what the fuck happened to you? Coked up Rick James - air drums, cigarettes, fake bass-playing and all would not recognize the hollow, unfunny, safe shell of yourself that you've become. Yes, you have more money than God. Congratulations.
Despite having only two hands, Rick James still managed to give Pluto Nash[ four thumbs down.
Though Sherman Klump may have been dismayed at the frequency with which his girl wanted to party, many baseball players would have been far more tolerant. Baseball was once, and every once and a while still is a game where players could look like fat shitbags, show up drunk, pick themselves up with some speed or some coke, and go smack some fucking dingers!
It wasn't old age that turned your mustache white, Keith
Everyone knows the story of the 1986 New York Mets, and their cocaine-fueled conquest of baseball in that year. It was a magical season in which they dominated baseball to the tune of 108 regular season wins amidst a non-stop parade of coke and hookers. It was so awesome, that future can't-miss hall of famers Darryl Strawberry and Doc Gooden skipped the championship parade because they were in the midst of like a week-long coke bender or something.
Can anything good come of this?
One member of that team, Keith Hernandez, was indicted the previous year as part of the 1985 Pittsburgh Drug Trials, where it was revealed that, amongst other things, Willies Stargell and Mays were speed dealers, Keith Hernandez had been using coke for three years, and estimated that around 40% of players were playing on coke. It was also revealed that Tim "Rock" Raines would keep a gram in a vial in his pocket - and only slid head first so he wouldn't break the vial. Keith Hernandez was a member of the Cardinals at the time, and ownership of the team was so scandalized by his testimony that they traded Hernandez to the Mets that season. The Mets would acquire another player whose reputation was tarnished by these drug trials, Lee Mazzilli, that same year.
Pitchers knew not to hit Tim Raines in the pocket...
So, when I hear about Josh Hamilton or Ron Washington "relapsing" or whatever the fuck they call it these days when these idiots get caught, I'm like yo - Willie Mays used to play the game cranked out of his fucking mind, and fucking Tim Raines actually adjusted the manner in which he approached the game in order to accommodate his ability to be Holden Caulfield with his coke! Fucking Dock Ellis pitched a no-hitter on acid! LSD!
Dock Ellis was once maced by a Reds security guard for making "menacing gestures."
You know something, in all honesty, I'd rather have baseball players on wacky, fun drugs, than fucking steroids and HGH. That shit ruined baseball. Now, instead of whatever baseball was, whatever these indomitable records that we were brought up worshiping mean, we have stupid waterheads like Barry Bonds and Alex Rodriguez scowling their way past baseball history and into the record books. It makes me sick! Fuck a bunch of steroids!
A-Rod almost won the Triple Crown once, but he threw a shoe at the Preakness.
So you know what, baseball players, quit the fucking steroids and get back to what made us love you: hard, recreational drugs. I liked it when ball players were like larger-than-life versions of ourselves, instead of these hyper-managed A-Rod types with their crazy megalomaniacal centaur paintings and their bitch tits and bacne and bowling-ball heads and shit. Blow some lines, you dumb motherfuckers! Because, nobody would have liked that damned Eddie Murphy song if he sang "My girl wants to party once in a while, party once in a while, party once in a whi-hile!"
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