Mr. 3000!

Five-for-five with a dinger, bitch! New York Yankee Baseball! So what if I'm making $17 million to post a .683 OPS this year? 3000 hits is gritty and makes me the Greatest Yankee of All Time, unlike that fat fuckbag George Herman Babe Didrikson Ruth or that diseased piece of rusty horsehit Lou Gherig or fucking Mickey Mouse or Planet Golf Ball Expot or whatever they called bitchass sourcocks in the 1950s or some shit. 3000 hits. None of those poor, surly faggots could muster that. I AM THE TRU WARIER!

Yo know what fuck that, I am the greatest baseball player because I played the game in New York where the city never says die much like Sean Connery in the remake of Thunderball after he anal-ized Kim Bassinger for the fourth time because she was on her period and fuck that shit. Yeah, I like the sound of Jeterstown, fucking Cooperstown is for some Jackie Robinson breaking the sound barrier bullshit, and I didn't defeat Lenny Wilkins in the slam dunk contest blindfolded just to play second matador to the Los Africans Dodgers, you know wha-


Excuse me sir, but I have to object.


Barry Bonds. You cunting fucking cunt.


Respectfully speaking, of course - by no means do I denigrate the magnitude of your achievement, but exactly 26 people in major league history have more hits than you.


I will fuck your mother sideways I did this shit in New York! None of those other motherfuckers had to Situation their Situation in that Situation!


New York is absolutely a pressure cooker, and I have nothing but the utmost respect for your ability to have an amazing, sure-fire-hall-of-fame-career in the hardest place in the world to play baseball, but come on, Pete Rose has like 1200 more hits than you -


Sumbudy say m'name!?


Fuck off and die you Kennesaw Mountain Landis banned me from baseball Shoeless Joe Jackson ass-plowed motherfucker!


B-b-b-b-b-buh-but-


Don't you need to Charlie-Hustle-off to a fucking WWE match that you're officiating between the Miz and Shamus or whatever the fuck they're calling wrestlers these days, you sorry sack-a shit?


Ooo yer, I'm gonna get me a hundred o dollar and some o dem seasoned taters or whatnot!

Nobody told me bout no muthafuckin cheese fwies! Ima fawnicate yaw fathce wif my fithsts until thum mothafucka bring me thum cheethse fwies to mathsticate on toute thsuite!


See what you did now, Barry Bonds?


I don't see how you can hold me responsible for this. I was merely pointing out that while your accomplishments are no doubt impressive, they are no -

Shockwave destroys everything or something...


Alas! I die!

Haha! Fuck you, you fucking cunt! I'm the baddest!


Now wait just a gahd demmed minute there boy!


Fucking seriously?

Wait, dis ain't Muthafuckin Harlem! What the fuck is I doing here? You ain't Bruce Leroy! I'm the fuck out of here. My contract ain't cover dis shit, blood!


Hah! Nothing can stop me now!

Not so fast!


Check this out!


Dick joke!


HAHAHAHAHA!


Oh no! Michael Bay! Now we got a Situation!


Get ready to be...


Merchandized!


Dick joke!


OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


What is that rumbling!? Looks like we got ourselves a Situation here!


OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


STER-SCREAM (AND THE CLEAR)!!!!!!


Sumbudy say m'name!?


No, but I DID fuck Megan Fox.


OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Jim Riggleman: We Wish We Hardly Knew Ye...

Five chili half-smokes and a fuck your mother!

Oh, ok, so you're not going to give me a fucking contract extension!? Well you can kiss my fucking ass because I fucking quit! Jesus Goddamned Christ on a talcum powder bottle! Are you really meaning to tell me that my 140 and 172 goddamned record doesn't constitute turning around this two shit cunt of a franchise!? Kiss my 58 year-old ass, I'm too goddamned motherfucking old to be goddamned motherfucking disrespected, motherfucker! You're lucky I don't put some fucking warpaint on my face and shove a baseball bat up your ass and pull the trigger until it goes "click."

Nobody fucks with the Jesus!

You telling me I got a healthy Strasburg and a goddamned piece of shit Jayson Werth that's not a goddamned piece of shit Jayson Werth and we're not fucking the Phillies up their phat phanatic asses? You telling me that if baseball goddess Bryce Harper isn't shitting home runs out of his all-powerful vagina we're not burning Atlanta like General Ulysses S. Sherman or some such? Then, you're a goddamned joke is what you are, Mike Rizzo, you stupid motherfucker. Jayson Werth would have better fucking luck impregnating his wife's grandmother's throat-cunt this year than hitting a goddamn home run and I'm dragging this shit sandwich team to a motherfucking stellar record of 38-37 and you haven't signed me for life!? Seriously, motherfucker?

Jayson Werth: Goddamned Piece of Shit.

Yo, fucko, I'm from Fort Dix New Motherfucking Jersey, where they throw you a goddamned tickertape parade for 38-37. They throw you a motherfucking Roman Triumph with a parade of lions buttfucking Egyptian aristocrats in cages for 38-37. We have a month-long wine-and-opium-fueled anything-goes blood orgy for 38-37. I told you motherfuckers, I'm from Fort Fucking Dix. We do NOT get motherfucking disremotherfuckingspected for 38-37 by Mike Rizzo REFUSING to even have a motherfucking conversation for 38-37. Come on!

Commence the motherfucking blood orgy!

You know what, fuck you, Mike Rizzo, fuck you DC, fuck you "Natinals!" You'll always be the Expos to me. Riggleman out!

Get that fucking camera out of my face!

P.A.T.T

My girl wants to...

No Shirt Required. Suck it, Phil Collins.

...Party all the time, party all the time, party all the ti-ime!

Hey Flava, how my dick taste?... har har har

Yo, Axel Foley, what the fuck happened to you? Coked up Rick James - air drums, cigarettes, fake bass-playing and all would not recognize the hollow, unfunny, safe shell of yourself that you've become. Yes, you have more money than God. Congratulations.

Despite having only two hands, Rick James still managed to give Pluto Nash[ four thumbs down.

Though Sherman Klump may have been dismayed at the frequency with which his girl wanted to party, many baseball players would have been far more tolerant. Baseball was once, and every once and a while still is a game where players could look like fat shitbags, show up drunk, pick themselves up with some speed or some coke, and go smack some fucking dingers!

It wasn't old age that turned your mustache white, Keith

Everyone knows the story of the 1986 New York Mets, and their cocaine-fueled conquest of baseball in that year. It was a magical season in which they dominated baseball to the tune of 108 regular season wins amidst a non-stop parade of coke and hookers. It was so awesome, that future can't-miss hall of famers Darryl Strawberry and Doc Gooden skipped the championship parade because they were in the midst of like a week-long coke bender or something.

Can anything good come of this?

One member of that team, Keith Hernandez, was indicted the previous year as part of the 1985 Pittsburgh Drug Trials, where it was revealed that, amongst other things, Willies Stargell and Mays were speed dealers, Keith Hernandez had been using coke for three years, and estimated that around 40% of players were playing on coke. It was also revealed that Tim "Rock" Raines would keep a gram in a vial in his pocket - and only slid head first so he wouldn't break the vial. Keith Hernandez was a member of the Cardinals at the time, and ownership of the team was so scandalized by his testimony that they traded Hernandez to the Mets that season. The Mets would acquire another player whose reputation was tarnished by these drug trials, Lee Mazzilli, that same year.

Pitchers knew not to hit Tim Raines in the pocket...

So, when I hear about Josh Hamilton or Ron Washington "relapsing" or whatever the fuck they call it these days when these idiots get caught, I'm like yo - Willie Mays used to play the game cranked out of his fucking mind, and fucking Tim Raines actually adjusted the manner in which he approached the game in order to accommodate his ability to be Holden Caulfield with his coke! Fucking Dock Ellis pitched a no-hitter on acid! LSD!

Dock Ellis was once maced by a Reds security guard for making "menacing gestures."

You know something, in all honesty, I'd rather have baseball players on wacky, fun drugs, than fucking steroids and HGH. That shit ruined baseball. Now, instead of whatever baseball was, whatever these indomitable records that we were brought up worshiping mean, we have stupid waterheads like Barry Bonds and Alex Rodriguez scowling their way past baseball history and into the record books. It makes me sick! Fuck a bunch of steroids!

A-Rod almost won the Triple Crown once, but he threw a shoe at the Preakness.

So you know what, baseball players, quit the fucking steroids and get back to what made us love you: hard, recreational drugs. I liked it when ball players were like larger-than-life versions of ourselves, instead of these hyper-managed A-Rod types with their crazy megalomaniacal centaur paintings and their bitch tits and bacne and bowling-ball heads and shit. Blow some lines, you dumb motherfuckers! Because, nobody would have liked that damned Eddie Murphy song if he sang "My girl wants to party once in a while, party once in a while, party once in a whi-hile!"