Mr. 3000!

Five-for-five with a dinger, bitch! New York Yankee Baseball! So what if I'm making $17 million to post a .683 OPS this year? 3000 hits is gritty and makes me the Greatest Yankee of All Time, unlike that fat fuckbag George Herman Babe Didrikson Ruth or that diseased piece of rusty horsehit Lou Gherig or fucking Mickey Mouse or Planet Golf Ball Expot or whatever they called bitchass sourcocks in the 1950s or some shit. 3000 hits. None of those poor, surly faggots could muster that. I AM THE TRU WARIER!

Yo know what fuck that, I am the greatest baseball player because I played the game in New York where the city never says die much like Sean Connery in the remake of Thunderball after he anal-ized Kim Bassinger for the fourth time because she was on her period and fuck that shit. Yeah, I like the sound of Jeterstown, fucking Cooperstown is for some Jackie Robinson breaking the sound barrier bullshit, and I didn't defeat Lenny Wilkins in the slam dunk contest blindfolded just to play second matador to the Los Africans Dodgers, you know wha-


Excuse me sir, but I have to object.


Barry Bonds. You cunting fucking cunt.


Respectfully speaking, of course - by no means do I denigrate the magnitude of your achievement, but exactly 26 people in major league history have more hits than you.


I will fuck your mother sideways I did this shit in New York! None of those other motherfuckers had to Situation their Situation in that Situation!


New York is absolutely a pressure cooker, and I have nothing but the utmost respect for your ability to have an amazing, sure-fire-hall-of-fame-career in the hardest place in the world to play baseball, but come on, Pete Rose has like 1200 more hits than you -


Sumbudy say m'name!?


Fuck off and die you Kennesaw Mountain Landis banned me from baseball Shoeless Joe Jackson ass-plowed motherfucker!


B-b-b-b-b-buh-but-


Don't you need to Charlie-Hustle-off to a fucking WWE match that you're officiating between the Miz and Shamus or whatever the fuck they're calling wrestlers these days, you sorry sack-a shit?


Ooo yer, I'm gonna get me a hundred o dollar and some o dem seasoned taters or whatnot!

Nobody told me bout no muthafuckin cheese fwies! Ima fawnicate yaw fathce wif my fithsts until thum mothafucka bring me thum cheethse fwies to mathsticate on toute thsuite!


See what you did now, Barry Bonds?


I don't see how you can hold me responsible for this. I was merely pointing out that while your accomplishments are no doubt impressive, they are no -

Shockwave destroys everything or something...


Alas! I die!

Haha! Fuck you, you fucking cunt! I'm the baddest!


Now wait just a gahd demmed minute there boy!


Fucking seriously?

Wait, dis ain't Muthafuckin Harlem! What the fuck is I doing here? You ain't Bruce Leroy! I'm the fuck out of here. My contract ain't cover dis shit, blood!


Hah! Nothing can stop me now!

Not so fast!


Check this out!


Dick joke!


HAHAHAHAHA!


Oh no! Michael Bay! Now we got a Situation!


Get ready to be...


Merchandized!


Dick joke!


OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


What is that rumbling!? Looks like we got ourselves a Situation here!


OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


STER-SCREAM (AND THE CLEAR)!!!!!!


Sumbudy say m'name!?


No, but I DID fuck Megan Fox.


OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Jim Riggleman: We Wish We Hardly Knew Ye...

Five chili half-smokes and a fuck your mother!

Oh, ok, so you're not going to give me a fucking contract extension!? Well you can kiss my fucking ass because I fucking quit! Jesus Goddamned Christ on a talcum powder bottle! Are you really meaning to tell me that my 140 and 172 goddamned record doesn't constitute turning around this two shit cunt of a franchise!? Kiss my 58 year-old ass, I'm too goddamned motherfucking old to be goddamned motherfucking disrespected, motherfucker! You're lucky I don't put some fucking warpaint on my face and shove a baseball bat up your ass and pull the trigger until it goes "click."

Nobody fucks with the Jesus!

You telling me I got a healthy Strasburg and a goddamned piece of shit Jayson Werth that's not a goddamned piece of shit Jayson Werth and we're not fucking the Phillies up their phat phanatic asses? You telling me that if baseball goddess Bryce Harper isn't shitting home runs out of his all-powerful vagina we're not burning Atlanta like General Ulysses S. Sherman or some such? Then, you're a goddamned joke is what you are, Mike Rizzo, you stupid motherfucker. Jayson Werth would have better fucking luck impregnating his wife's grandmother's throat-cunt this year than hitting a goddamn home run and I'm dragging this shit sandwich team to a motherfucking stellar record of 38-37 and you haven't signed me for life!? Seriously, motherfucker?

Jayson Werth: Goddamned Piece of Shit.

Yo, fucko, I'm from Fort Dix New Motherfucking Jersey, where they throw you a goddamned tickertape parade for 38-37. They throw you a motherfucking Roman Triumph with a parade of lions buttfucking Egyptian aristocrats in cages for 38-37. We have a month-long wine-and-opium-fueled anything-goes blood orgy for 38-37. I told you motherfuckers, I'm from Fort Fucking Dix. We do NOT get motherfucking disremotherfuckingspected for 38-37 by Mike Rizzo REFUSING to even have a motherfucking conversation for 38-37. Come on!

Commence the motherfucking blood orgy!

You know what, fuck you, Mike Rizzo, fuck you DC, fuck you "Natinals!" You'll always be the Expos to me. Riggleman out!

Get that fucking camera out of my face!

Your 1979 Home Run Champ:

That's right motherfuckers, I did that shit, me, D'Brickashaw Ferguson. Yeah so what if 1979 was four years before I was born I wasn't even no sperms in my Daddy's nutsack yet. That don't mean shit. I hit 49 home runs that year, or one more than that stupid bitch Dave Kingman, strikin' out motherfucker. Yeah, I did that shit! Dave Kingman a ho, and if I see that motherfucker, I'll fuck his ass until he loves me, ho! This bitch know what I'm talkin 'bout:

Nah, I'm just playin, Nacho ain't my type, Spanish nigga and shit, what we talking about again? Oh yeah home runs. Man I was insultin' swat before Babe Ruth and shit that's how powerful my stroke is - do that make sense, hell naw it don't and I don't give a fuck is why! Did you know I'm supposed to be intelligent, man I graduate college in three and a half years or some shit, man that some bullshit. I tell you what, nigga, my degree was in religion. You think it take three and a half years to learn that Jesus done came back to life to lick bowling balls?

Hell naw, nigga. I knowed bowling balls taste good before that motherfucker did and that ain't no shit I just be tellin people about but they done put it in the passion cause Mel Gibson take a bat upside ya head if they didn't right Mel?

Yeah man, I know what you sayin, see, this the thing. People want ta tell ya that athletes is smart because they gone to college and the fans watch the games, and are all "he could marry my daughter," but that ain't gonna buy you no loaf of bread if ya hear what I'm spitting. Nah. Because people be lyin and shit anyway, son. Like some motherfucker put on my wikipedia page that I'm named after Father Ralph de Briccasart from some Australian book or some shit called The Thorn Birds.

Man that's reedickulus. I don't look like that white ass nigga. He Australian, son. I grew up on Long Island! Strong Island, that ain't no Australia I ever heard of, motherfucker!

Say what again motherfucker!

Now look at Dave Kingman's bitch ass:

Same motherfucker! Dave Kingman an Australian bitchass motherfucker! That shit's true, and people say I got a black belt in Shotokan Karate and a brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. Ain't that some shit. That's true, too. I karate a motherfucker's ass up and down the court, that's how I do son. Take that, Dave Kingman!

Man, fuck this shit, I made like $30 million dollars so far man, you know that's called not give a fuck about shit money. So, fuck a lockout, Paul Tagliabue or whatever your Roger Goodell ass is calling yourself these days. Yo, Bart Scott, tell these motherfuckers what I say to a lockout:

Fuck you Dave Kingman!