Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Mommas Don't Let Your Babies Be Fathered By A.P.


Eat your heart out: modern child-rearing sensibilities!

Football. That cliché buttsport full of stuff happening to alleged persons, or rather perpetuated by alleged persons, or people, that is. Oh hey, look, it’s Adrian Peterson’s kid. Bet he’s walking funny. Hi-o! I heard A.P. bashed his kid's balls so hard Roger Goodell tried to suspend him for Deflategate. Boom! Five Dollar Footlong! That’s how you jokes!



Insert dick (joke) here

Yeah, so we got some fantasy football upon us, yes? Our annual digital slave trade where we buy and sell avatars of footballmen in the hopes that they accomplish enough arbitrarily-valued football tasks that we can kid ourselves into thinking that we have savvy or something, right? But face it, when it comes down to it, we’re just a bunch of Meffords. We have no skill. We don’t wheel and deal and trade anything. I think there’ve been three trades in the history of the league, and they were all Gal giving up way too much value to Chad for the rights to Steve Spurrier and a pack of Bic lighters or some shit. FUN N' GUN TO LAVAR ARRINGTON AT THE 2 FOR A SAFETY! WOOOO GEAUX HOGS GEAUX!



Remember Benghazi!

Fact of the matter is, the only thing we know for sure is that some asshole’s gonna sign Ray Rice in week eleven, he’s gonna put up like 43 yards against the Steelers or some shit before suffering a season-ending injury and Johnny Manziel is going to have to hold his coke straw with his other hand after he gets Tommy John surgery. Do those clauses have anything to do with each other? Well, they’re in the same goddamned sentence so I guess fucking so.



Allahu Ackbar!!!

Look, all I can say about the football is it’s the devil, and Chad has a tattoo of Roy Orbison on his butt, but he won’t get this joke because he’s never seen the Waterboy.



Must love dogs

Joke’s on you, pal.



Not pictured: Roman Coin sausage and tomato pizza

Joke’s on you.



Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Ochoquatro!

HEY!

HEY!
 
 HEY!
 
 HEY!

 WHAT?

MY NAME IS JOSH HAMILTON AND I GET BUCKETS!

Hey.

Tell me a stowy, Josh Hambilton! Pwease! 

MY NAME IS HOSH TEMPLETON, WANT TO HEAR ABOUT MY TATTOOS?

NO! YOU ALWAYS TELL ME BOUT YO STUPID TATTOOS! I DON'T WANT TO HERE YOU PERAMBULATE NO MOW ABOUT NO STUPID TATTOO JOSH HAMBILTON!

Somebody did say TATU?

RUSSIA AIN'T NO COUNTRY I EVER HEARD OF!

 In Soviet Russia, WATER break YOU!

 

 GET WOST TATU YOU AIN'T IMPREGNABLE!

HEY!

DON'T TALK TO ME BOUT NO TATTOO OCHOTHINKO!

Child please, I don't have no tattoo.

Why come you don't have a tattoo?

MAKE 7-UP YOURS!



Not to sound like a dick or nothin', but uh, it says on your chart that you're fucked up.

 
HA!


You talk like a fag


SH-

And your shit's all retarded.

MAN THAT SHIT WATH FUNNIUH THAN KEENAN OR KEL!

You called?


MY NAME IS GOSH PAPELBON AND HE SAID KEL!



Well that's good, 'cause I don't go by that name no more.



MY NAME IS ROSH HASHANNAH AND YOU ARE STEVE URKEL!



Yo dawg, I told you, I don't go by that name any more, I'm Stefan Urquell now!



AHAHAHAHAHA MY NAME IS SPLOSH CAMELTOE AND WHATEVER BRO!



Really, I must object.



Don't worry scrote -



Yo, don't be calling me "scrote," dawg.



There are plenty of 'tards out there leading really kick-ass lives!



OOOOOOOOOOOOH!


OH NOS YOUS GUYS REALLY DID IT NOWS!


URRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHH-



RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR



THE JALEELS IS DESTABLAMSINGS WES GOTS TO RUNS!



WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!



Toki?



Yah thems couldn'ts affords the rights to Lokis whats from thats Avengered.



THE SECRET IS I'M ALWAYS ANGRY



MY NAME IS FUCK YOU URKEL I JUST HIT FOUR TWO RUN HOMERS!


DID I DO THAT?



No.



Help me Bruce Willis!


. . .



My first wife was 'tarded. She's a pilot now.



. . .


Right. Kick ass!



OH NOS WHAT AMS WE GOINGS TO DOS? HIMS TURNS INTO HULKELS! I GOTS TO TURNS TOOS!


Oh no we ams getting sueds by Disneys now...


DID I DO THAT?



I AM A GOD! I'M NOT GOING TO BE BULLIED BY A -


PENDEJO!